No purchase necessaryIf you’d rather not purchase our product, that’s fine, that’s totally fine. To enter The Contest, all you have to do is compose a love letter of no fewer than 3,000 words in the style of a wealthy, charming suitor who resides in England in 1812. Love letters must be handwritten in calligraphy with a feather quill. Throughout this letter you will address Our Company as the subject of your undying, unrequited love. Each entry will be judged on the sincerity with which its prose persuades our marketing department to accept your hand in marriage, a prospect they regard, at present, with considerable indifference. 20 finalists will be selected. A horse and carriage shall whisk them away to a castle in the countryside. At that evening’s soirée, The Candidates Ball, their fate will be determined. Finalists will be assessed on their command of English Country Dance, as well as their audacity to whisper something in our ear that is sufficiently provocative to make us blush, but not so vile it’s off-putting. 17 finalists will be selected. They will be called upon to defend the sincerity of their letter, in which they claimed to love us dearly. We will scream, “How can you truly love us when you refused to buy our product?!” Knowing each finalist is a dirty liar, they will be judged on their ability to answer without sounding like a bumbling buffoon. 15 finalists will be selected. Each one shall receive numerous slaps across the face with a long leather glove — back and forth, hither and thither — with remarkable spite. Finalists will be judged on their ability to retain composure without flinching like a spineless coward. 11 finalists will be selected. One at a time, our protective father will throw each finalist into a bog where they will surely sink to their doom. Come nightfall, the finalists’ ghosts shall rise from their boggy graves, vowing to seek revenge by winning the contest. 8 finalists’ ghosts will be selected. They will be judged on their willingness to offer a full and contrite apology for their deceitful love letter. 5 finalists’ ghosts will be selected. The Contest is only open to residents of the mortal world, however, finalists’ ghosts will be offered our BOGOBOG Deal (Buy One product Get One BOG free). Ghosts who opt-in will then own a plot of bog land, which is small but still big enough for one mortal to surely sink to their doom. 4 finalists’ bodies will be selected and exhumed from the bog 20 years after the contest has ended. Each finalist’s bog body will be judged on how photogenic it is, depending on how well it was preserved by the bog. 3 finalists’ bog bodies will be selected. These lucky finalists will embark upon a world tour as the main attraction in a museum exhibit. Proceeds from all ticket sales will be generously donated to Our Company. So, what are you waiting for? Enter The Contest today!
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